Going in Circles (Not me, silly.)

I'm my own worse nightmare. I have reverted to eating peanut butter out of the jar. It seems I have come to a point in this motherhood life that eating is now a past-time. It seems to be all I want to do anymore. Or rather, the only thing I have time for. This probably explains why I have begun baking all the time. It's something that I can actually accomplish while wearing Garrett. If you were wondering, it appears I don't have an easy baby at all, unless this consists of constant entertaining or holding. Happy and alert, yes. Easy, no. Problem is, when he is 'preoccupied' with something, I feel guilty as if I should be conversing or playing with him. Sometimes mommy-hood is torture. I can't even imagine what my world will be like as this child begins to crawl. At which time, I will officially lose my rights altogether. Whatever rights those were.

Now don't take this the wrong way, but I feel like, since Bryan is with Garrett in the mornings from about 7 a.m. until 2 p.m. that he uses up all his 'preoccupied time'. (a.k.a. mommy free time) I only come to this conclusion because Bryan is less apt to pick him up the minute he cries or is fussy. The other reason I think this is true is because by this point he realizes that I am gone, so when I am at home he wants all of my attention. Is there some great secret to juggling all this? Let's not even get into the cleaning department. (- as it has taken a deep rooted backseat to anything and everything at this point.) What's a mommy to do?

In an effort to give myself a moment of sanity and clarity, I have been popping in a Baby Einstein video here and there. We have about 6 that I rotate as much as possible. Garrett really loves them all, except for the one titled Bach- he never truly focuses on that particular one, but they all last about 20 or so minutes (just the right amount of time for his attention span)... unfortunately not at all enough time for me. Usually, it simply gets me started into something, only to have to quit in the middle of what I am doing. Sometimes, I am really bad and restart the dang thing just to finish what it is I am doing. Like now. (Cough, Cough.)

Let's however, get the record straight, I am not a mother that plops or intends to plop her child in front of the television. I frankly think that this is what's wrong with the world today. That and the wonderful computer. (And yes, I am indeed calling the kettle black on that one.) I do feel pushed up against the wall as a mother though on this matter. I mean when is it too much and is this too young to use the television? I know many balk at the idea of allowing a baby to see videos and such, but really what is a mother to do and what in the world did mothers years and years ago do to get a small moment to themselves? Maybe the 'me' of mommy didn't exist back then. I don't know, I know there certainly isn't an easy solution and I can only do my best with what I believe is right or appropriate.

Well, it looks like it's time to go get some more peanut butter. Garrett is staring at me wide eyed as he completes his fifth circle in less than five minutes.

And for the record, honey peanut butter is really much better than the plain stuff.

(Suggestions, as always are welcome.)