Going in Circles (Not me, silly.)

I'm my own worse nightmare. I have reverted to eating peanut butter out of the jar. It seems I have come to a point in this motherhood life that eating is now a past-time. It seems to be all I want to do anymore. Or rather, the only thing I have time for. This probably explains why I have begun baking all the time. It's something that I can actually accomplish while wearing Garrett. If you were wondering, it appears I don't have an easy baby at all, unless this consists of constant entertaining or holding. Happy and alert, yes. Easy, no. Problem is, when he is 'preoccupied' with something, I feel guilty as if I should be conversing or playing with him. Sometimes mommy-hood is torture. I can't even imagine what my world will be like as this child begins to crawl. At which time, I will officially lose my rights altogether. Whatever rights those were.

Now don't take this the wrong way, but I feel like, since Bryan is with Garrett in the mornings from about 7 a.m. until 2 p.m. that he uses up all his 'preoccupied time'. (a.k.a. mommy free time) I only come to this conclusion because Bryan is less apt to pick him up the minute he cries or is fussy. The other reason I think this is true is because by this point he realizes that I am gone, so when I am at home he wants all of my attention. Is there some great secret to juggling all this? Let's not even get into the cleaning department. (- as it has taken a deep rooted backseat to anything and everything at this point.) What's a mommy to do?

In an effort to give myself a moment of sanity and clarity, I have been popping in a Baby Einstein video here and there. We have about 6 that I rotate as much as possible. Garrett really loves them all, except for the one titled Bach- he never truly focuses on that particular one, but they all last about 20 or so minutes (just the right amount of time for his attention span)... unfortunately not at all enough time for me. Usually, it simply gets me started into something, only to have to quit in the middle of what I am doing. Sometimes, I am really bad and restart the dang thing just to finish what it is I am doing. Like now. (Cough, Cough.)

Let's however, get the record straight, I am not a mother that plops or intends to plop her child in front of the television. I frankly think that this is what's wrong with the world today. That and the wonderful computer. (And yes, I am indeed calling the kettle black on that one.) I do feel pushed up against the wall as a mother though on this matter. I mean when is it too much and is this too young to use the television? I know many balk at the idea of allowing a baby to see videos and such, but really what is a mother to do and what in the world did mothers years and years ago do to get a small moment to themselves? Maybe the 'me' of mommy didn't exist back then. I don't know, I know there certainly isn't an easy solution and I can only do my best with what I believe is right or appropriate.

Well, it looks like it's time to go get some more peanut butter. Garrett is staring at me wide eyed as he completes his fifth circle in less than five minutes.

And for the record, honey peanut butter is really much better than the plain stuff.

(Suggestions, as always are welcome.)

A week's worth of rantings and realizations

Mommyhood truly is a full time job. Nursing is a second full time job. Cleaning the house is a third full time job. Cooking for anyone, save myself is sometimes impossible. Remembering what I need to do at my 'part time real job' the following morning is pointless. Making time for my husband and then for myself is a nano shy of obsolete. Where are my personal assistants when I need them? Oh yeah, I don't have any...that's right. So exactly why does a celebrity like Britney go cuckoo?

I'm jumping on the whine train tonight and I so wish that meant a red bottle of wine, like the good old days. But, shamelessly it doesn't. Rather it means five minutes on the deck as I take the trash out for Monday pickup as Bryan tries to coax Garrett back into LA-LA land.

Let's be candidly real for a minute. I miss me time and really miss we time.

Don't get me wrong, I love my baby more than anything in the world. He's perfect. He's always happy...that is, he is happy now. Once upon a time, I had a colicky baby...miraculously that period ended as if someone hit a switch when he turned six magical weeks old. No doctor bills or prescriptions needed. Luckily, the days have gotten much much easier. But, the long days have not ceased to exist and neither has his growing need for attention.

My day begins around 9 a.m. as we all begin to wake up. Depending on the day, I am either off to work by 10, sometimes by the grace of God I make it out by 8. But, that's on a very good day. Most days Bryan is off to work at noon and works a 11-12 hour shift. On lucky days like today, he leaves at 10 a.m. and doesn't return until 12 a.m. These days remind me of those first few weeks with baby Garrett and truly tempt my sanity. It's a day of constant struggles, in how to fit in all of my jobs without compromising Garrett's growing and learning.

I feel guilty if he doesn't get enough attention or if I take a moment to make myself a sandwich or browse the Internet for a few moments. He usually wins. No, he always wins.

We interact, we talk non-stop. I always had been told I was a talker, hence my name Brook. Yet, now I am a flood of words. We read books, sing songs and sometimes simply talk about everything. I tell him the who, what, where, why and how of everything. And Garrett eats it up and looks up at me with a twinkle in his eye, gabbing back as if he is in conversation over the most fascinating discovery. And I am certain that he is.

Today, he has completely found his toes. He grabs at them and holds them, feeling them with his fingertips. I try to show him my feet too, that way he knows that I have feet also. He has started perfecting his laugh. His first giggle was when he wasn't even 3 months old. We were in Walmart as a lady started talking to him. Of course, he has yet to giggle like that again, but he is getting close. I know any day now it is bound to come out! I am almost sure he laughed at the lady like that because we were playing with the giggle stuffed animals right before she spoke to him. So tonight, I bought a giggling frog. I know I 'm a sucker. And yes, I made a trip to Walmart at 8 p.m. on a S-U-N-D-A-Y. I hate Walmart, but with a child it becomes an experience and somehow makes the hours fly by.

Back home, we settled in to complete our nightly tasks. OK, those would be my tasks...I start cooking my dinner, make sure the dogs are taken care of and change Garrett's diaper before laying him down for bed. No night-time stories or a bath. We are both, too pooped for any routine other than the bed and the boob. He comes from a long line of sensitive skinned people and too many baths a week would surely ruin his precious baby skin. No lotions, either. Besides he smells sweet as it is. Of course, do I really need to justify this?

Except this go around, Garrett doesn't want to sleep without mommy. Yuck. Two tries and still a baby fussing. Finally, I bring him out to the living room and hold him, as I eat. Multitasking has taken on a whole new meaning. And then, finally at 11:53 my sweet relief walks through the door, takes a shower and keeps baby for twenty whole minutes.

I emerge renewed and remember why we decided to become parents. Tomorrow night I need to make time for 'we' so Bryan remembers that, too. Because, what would I do without him? He makes mommyhood and all it entails so very worth it.