Top Ten Things a FTM needs to know about being a MOMMY

For those of you new to the world of baby-land, FTM stands for FIRST TIME MOM, as in I haven't a clue what I am doing, but please don't offer me advice, because my hormones are raging so badly at the moment that I might literally bite your head off if you do.

So here's my TOP TEN:

10. You will NOT, I repeat WILL NOT, have any time to yourself whatsoever. Forget about your favorite pastimes, TV shows, books, and relaxing tub baths. These may be attempted but they will inevitably be forgotten or end as quickly as they began. Likewise, simple tasks like checking email or paying bills will take days to complete. (This is true for at least the first 6 weeks)
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9. You will become a 'poop expert'. Enough said.

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8. Some babies cry/fuss a whole lot and not because of colic, wet diapers or for being hungry....simply because they want to be held and they want to suck on mommy's nipple, not a pacifier. His/her cries will literally BREAK your heart.

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7. Random people will make you worry sick over your baby and whether or not he/she is "eating" enough or make you think that you are not the 'mommy type' with comments and occasional looks. Example: Your baby is over one month old and a stranger comments how 'tiny' your baby is or asks if he/she is a newborn? 6 WEEKS OLD is not a NEWBORN, at least not to you and 7 lbs. is NOT little!

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6. Family, friends, neighbors will state "If you put the baby down, he'll be alright....it never hurt a baby to cry" or "You're going to spoil him if you keep holding him all the time" You blow up on them all and then hours later worry whether or not they are correct and you are spoiling your baby and making it impossible for anyone else to eventually watch him.

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5. You will see your parents in a completely new light, a much softer and more forgiving light, finally you understand everything about them a little bit better now.

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4. When the baby is asleep (after taking 2 hours to put him down) you feel anxious because he isn't making any noises and so, you repeatedly check that he's still breathing every ten minutes, preventing you from enjoying or accomplishing anything while baby sleeps.

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3. The only way to put the baby to sleep is by motion (i.e. car rides, rocking or swinging), by sleeping with baby, feeding baby or by playing 'white noise' (i.e. hair dryer). For most effectiveness, these measures should be used in conjunction of one another.

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2. When away from the baby (upon returning to work, or say going to the store without the baby) you will feel a sense of deep pleasure along with an intense guilt for leaving baby with daddy. Upon arrival, you feel great happiness that the baby is crying and wants and needs only you.

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Drum roll please.... The NUMBER 1 thing a FTM needs to know about being a MOMMY is:

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1. The worst part of pregnancy isn't necessarily labor or delivery but in fact RECOVERY. Postpartum recovery is like a ticking time bomb and you are holding it in the utmost painful and uncomfortable position, trying to keep it from exploding. Modesty falls out the window. Absolutely no one warns you about this part. Yet hormones, sleepless nights, sitz baths, ice packs and all...baby melts your heart and makes it worth every single second.